Don't Blame Me For What You Cannot See (mental health awareness)

A family member recently said to me that if he knew somebody with anorexia he would tell them to 'just try and eat something' and that he would ' reassure them that they weren't fat'. It came from a good place, by a good, kind person but it blew my mind how little people understand about mental health conditions. I tried to explain that when a person with an eating disorder looks in the mirror they see a completely distorted over weight person, even when their bones are visible and they are dying of malnourishment. He still didn't get it. It made me think. In the hope of gaining understanding of my own mental health issues ( I have PTSD, PMDD and the associated anxiety and depression that comes with these conditions) I've been advised many times to go down to the doctors without make-up on or following a panic attack when my eyes are all puffy and swollen. However, hearing my family members thoughts on eating disorders made me realise that even when something caused by a mental health disorder is very visible on the outside people can still fail to understand. Why is this?

An ex partner once said to me 'you're very passionate when talking about how other people don't understand your illness aren't you?'. If these words had come from a supportive place I would have taken that as a compliment but they didn't, so I didn't. For a long while he pretended to but he didn't understand any of my conditions and never had. He was trying to make me question myself, and he succeeded. These words stuck with me though and I started to see it as a huge positive instead. Yes, I am passionate about gaining understanding, and rightly so. We live in a world where the estimated number of people living with invisible health conditions is rising yearly and these people struggle daily trying to get people to see beyond their external appearance. A shocking statistic is that one in fifteen people will make a suicide attempt at some point in their lives. Mental health conditions are at an all time high pushing the NHS to breaking point as they fail to find beds in over crowded and under funded psychiatric wards. There has been so many cases of suicide recently in the celebrity world and finally we seem to be discussing it more openly yet people are still shocked when the next smiling, 'happy' reality tv star/actress/singer takes their own lives. Depression and anxiety are illnesses the same as any other serious illness but the disease is located in the brain, out of sight, not on show.  Cancer kills people but how can we not understand that when it ends in suicide so does depression. We wouldn't dream of telling someone to think their cancer away so why is it deemed acceptable to tell a sufferer of depression to 'think of something nice' in order to make themselves well again or to 'switch it off'?

Apart from choosing what we put into our bodies to nourish them we have little control over our own internal organs. If someone has a problem with the way their stomach is functioning we don't question or blame them so why do we question people who have an illness that is simply caused by the way a different organ in the body is functioning? why do people assume that the brain is different? is it because we use this organ to think so people believe we can simply think it better or imagine it away? The brain consists of three main parts and it is such a busy organ with so many jobs to do it's no wonder it gets overwhelmed. I try to imagine it as a huge version of Birmingham's spaghetti junction with cars zooming all over the place. Chemicals produced within the brain (our major organ) are one of the main causes in the majority of mental health issues. Our moods are affected by how these chemicals are produced, the amount that is produced, how they are regulated or our sensitivity to these chemicals and we have no (or very little) control over these factors. Of course, exercise, relaxation and thinking positively can all benefit our mental health but in the same way that they cannot cure cancer, they cannot cure depression. So it does make me angry. It makes me angry every time someone questions what I have to be sad about (when sad doesn't even come close to the feelings created by this illness), or when someone says suicide is selfish, or when people tell me to 'just think positive'. A person with depression doesn't want to feel depressed in the same way that someone with a bad migraine doesn't want a bad migraine. The migraine sufferer can take tablets to ease the migraine but ultimately they have to ride it out and hope that it eases off. The same applies to a person with depression yet the medication doesn't always work.

I have tried many times to describe both anxiety and depression to people who have never experienced it. With depression I use this description a lot. If you are in a bad place with your depression you could sit in front of the tv holding the winning lottery ticket and still feel nothing. Of course, unless your depression is caused by financial difficulties then all the money in the world wouldn't make any difference to your depression but I am trying to say that something exciting, a dream coming true, wouldn't make any difference to your mood in that very moment. Another example is your perfect wedding day that you have imagined your whole life. There you are standing next to the love of your life and everyone is smiling and happy and beautiful yet you stand there feeling lost, empty and hollow.  Imagine how this feels and the guilt and all other associated feelings that stem from feeling like this on such an important day and yet it has nothing at all to do with the person you are marrying or the ceremony but everything to do with your illness and again you cannot control it. Depression is an illness not just an emotion. It is not just 'feeling sad', we all feel sad from time to time, we do not all feel clinically depressed. Depression is extreme sadness, extreme low mood, emptiness, worthlessness, hollowness, fear, self loathing and more and it hides itself well which is why we are so shocked that it takes the lives of comical, seemingly happy people such as Robin Williams. I have actually found that a very high number of people with severe depression are extremely creative, artistic or effervescent people that we perceive to be extrovert. This form of depression has been labelled as 'smiling depression' where the person appears happy while internally suffering with deep depressive thoughts. They wear their smile like a mask but it is simply a defence mechanism for them to carry on their daily duties. Suicide is a particular threat for these individuals because unlike those suffering with classic depression (and the associated lack or energy and motivation) they have the energy and ability to plan and follow through. This is why so many celebrities whose careers are built on entertaining shock us with their sudden suicides.

When it comes to anxiety it seems to be harder to explain but easier for people to understand and this may be because everybody worries to some extent. I trawled the Internet in search of a good description and here are just a few I found. One user described her generalised anxiety disorder as if she tripped and the moment where you don't know if you're going to catch yourself or not is how she feels all day long. Another similar description was the feeling you get when you tap your pocket to get your wallet, and it's not there but having that feeling constantly and being unable to get rid of it. Anxiety to me is like worrying about every single possible thing, all at once. It is when your mind imagines the worst outcome to everything and replays all the distressing things that have ever happened to you over and over again like a bad song stuck on repeat. It is thousands of questions in your head at once and yet there are no answers. A lot of anxiety sufferers have also experienced panic attacks. A panic attack is a sudden wave of intense overwhelming fear that can strike out of the blue, without any warning, with no clear trigger and can even occur when you are relaxed or asleep. It is charactised by its debilitating intensity and symptoms include but are in no way limited to, a pounding heart, shaking, feeling detached from your surroundings, hyperventilating (over breathing), feeling light-headed and believing you are going to die or go crazy. When I have them I can feel completely detached from my body and I am physically unable to speak. I feel like I have fallen down a deep hole I can't get out of then the crying starts and gets so intense I struggle to breathe. I see no way out and I feel like I am literally losing my mind. After the panic attack I feel exhausted but I do feel some relief at letting out the emotions.

I have lost count of the amount of time friends and family have told me to 'just stop thinking about it' when I am worrying excessively and my anxiety is severely affecting me. The best thing I have found to say to people is to try 'the pink elephant experiment'. For the next 30 seconds you can think of anything you want to but whatever you do don't think of pink elephants. Did you manage it? I often take it a step further and this helps them understand not only the inability to switch off unwanted worries/thoughts but also the fear anxiety creates. Now, Imagine you are in the house alone at night and you know that an escaped murderer has just broken in and is carrying a knife. You must not think about that murderer, imagine he isn't there. Impossible, right? Well that is anxiety at its worst. Extreme fear and unwanted thoughts you can't get rid of. In psychology this phenomenon is called the 'ironic process theory' whereby deliberate attempts to suppress certain thoughts actually make them more difficult to ignore and more likely to surface.

Anxiety disorders are also caused by hormones that are released in the brain. Anxiety becomes a problem when areas within the brain either function inappropriately or fail to function at all. This can be caused by an abnormal fight or flight response which is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a real or perceived threat. The release of hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol prepare the body to react to an extreme danger and it is believed that the fight or flight response was developed within the human body when our ancient ancestors were around. The scene I always remember being told about was a caveman facing a hungry tiger. What's does this caveman need to do in order to survive ? He needs to either fight it off or run away and in order to fight or flee the body must prepare itself for action by producing hormones that create a whole host of symptoms. In this modern age we are less likely to be faced with a tiger but we still encounter real or imagined threats or stressors and our bodies respond in the same way as if a tiger were in front of us. Now, if you have an anxiety disorder your fight or flight response is malfunctioning in a way that causes you to experience the effects of the hormone release but without a justifiable cause. It is basically triggered when no or very little danger is present. Using MRI scans scientists have shown abnormalities within the brains of patients with both Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder, but not enough research has been done yet and it is still on going. As with depression it is the brain, an organ, that is not functioning correctly and yet again sufferers are made to feel weak for struggling to control it.

I realise that I have to accept that if someone hasn't experienced serious mental health issues themselves then they will struggle to understand yet it is still frustrating. A bit of reading up, of listening to people's stories, of asking questions and of opening your mind is all it really takes. If you have time to watch TV, or to read a newspaper, to browse Facebook or talk to someone on the phone, then you have time to learn about mental health. YouTube is full of information as is Google. Research and love. It is just two things but it could save someone's life, especially if you are the one that they turn to for support. Take care people and thank you for reading. X

The 'Don'ts' of Chronic Illness

Don't ever think that my tiredness is anything like the tiredness you experience. If you have ever had the flu (and I mean the real flu, not man flu or a heavy cold, but the kind of flu where you would literally not have the energy to walk into your garden and pick up a £50 note), then maybe you will understand a bit more. The headaches, the sore throat, the aching limbs, the weak muscles, I could go on. Imagine having the flu and trying to live your daily life whilst also battling depression and anxiety, and the other physical problems I have. 

Don't ever compare my illness to other people's different illnesses as a way to highlight the fact that I don't push myself enough. I push myself every minute of the day from the moment I open my eyes. I push myself to get out of bed despite the fact I feel worse than when I went to sleep the night before, despite the fact my entire body hurts, despite the fact my throat is swollen and I feel like I have fallen down a flight of stairs and not like I have had 8 hours sleep. I push myself to get dressed, I push myself to talk to people, to fight through every hour of pain because I refuse to give up. Some people with my illness are housebound or have to use a wheelchair and if I push myself too hard I could end up like that and the thought scares me terribly. My illness goes through ups and downs and relapses. I try to avoid relapses but I do tend to do too much especially when I am anxious or depressed. Have you ever considered that it's not even about pushing myself to do stuff in order to 'make the most of life' ? It's worth knowing that when I say I can't do something then I sometimes I physically can't do it. It's all well and good saying I should 'make' myself come out because it will do me good but if I have overdone it or I am having a flare up I might not even be able to move  so getting out of the house would be physically impossible. When people say 'it's about thinking positive' or 'there is no such thing as can't' it feels like they don't understand at all. It feels like people underestimate the pain, the exhaustion and the weakness. Twelve years ago I didn't push myself like this and spent nearly every day in my pjs, lying on the sofa watching TV.. so I've come a long way but I have had to sacrifice my health because of this and my symptoms are actually far worse now than they were back then. 

Don't assume that I am ignoring you because I don't answer the phone or I haven't responded to your Facebook messages, to your texts, or to your whatsapp chat. Sometimes I can't cope with all the information because it overwhelms me. I struggle to explain how I am after writing a long text message/email or having a phone conversation. When I am writing , either on an electronic device or on paper, my eyes blur, my hands ache and I get shooting pains down my fingers and neck. I was diagnosed with repetitive strain injury before touch screen mobiles came out. Typing on my mobile back then actually caused it, so I have to be extra careful. I also can't rest as I know I have to keep up with the conversation so my anxiety ends up being aggravated. If I spend too long staring at the screen whilst concentrating then the next day my vision is affected and it's like I'm looking through slightly frosted glass and I have pain in my actual eyeballs and all over my face. I have had to have lengthy, important phone conversations in the past and afterwards been literally unable to talk from exhaustion and throat pain and so weak that I have burst into tears and almost collapsed. This can also happen during conversations with friends which is why I avoid phone chats. A phone chat is just as tiring as an actual face to face conversation. 

Don't forget to ask me if somewhere is too loud or busy. One of the things that drains my energy and exacerbates my exhaustion is noise, social interaction, different lighting, certain smells, and any other kind of stimulation. Busy places will tire me out far more quickly and usually just looking at a large crowd of people can totally exhaust me. I am hyper sensitive to smells and sometimes certain smells can make me feel sick or make me dizzy or give me severe headaches. Often these may be odours that other people don't notice or can't even smell. Lights are very very disorientating especially energy saving light bulbs, and lights in hospitals, shops etc. If I have to sit opposite a window that has light coming in it will affect me very negatively, especially if I'm talking to you and you are sat in front of it.  When I have an hours session with my therapist I am unbelievably tired due to the long conversations but also due to the horrible lighting. I come out and I struggle to speak and my eyes feel blurry and heavy. Lights are the worst, they make me feel physically sick. I'm finding it difficult to even explain this one.

Don't get angry at me because I have to know our dinner or lunch plans in detail, specifically what time we are eating. A lot of the time (markedly worse at certain times during the month), if I haven't eaten for a few hours I get shaky from low blood sugar (reactive hypoglycaemia), and struggle to even hold a knife and fork. My words slur, my eyes blur and I feel disoriented and confused. I have even been accused of being drunk. It's embarrassing for me but it's such a scary feeling because it can be dangerous and it's the main reason why I don't cook for myself.

Don't moan at me because I struggle to make plans and when I do they are like a military style operation. I don't know how I am going to feel next month, next week, tomorrow or even in the next hour. My illness is unpredictable and erratic. This is probably one of the most frustrating parts of chronic fatigue because it kind of takes the fun out of things that are supposed to be enjoyable. Spontaneity is exciting but it is so hard for me. I need to know where we are going, what time we will get there and back, what we will be doing when we are there, what I need to wear, if there is lots of places to sit down and will it be noisy because like I have already said, noise really affects me.

Don't forget that although my illness doesn't define me, it does restrict me, and I hate that. I used to be really active so that just adds to the frustration.

Doing more than one thing at once is exhausting but this doesn't mean I don't do it. So don't be surprised if I struggle to listen to you while I am typing on my mobile or if I can't follow a sat nav because I am taking in all my surroundings as we whizz past them in the car, whilst the radio is also on in the background.

Don't hide my updates on social media because you think that they are too negative and they 'bring you down'. Reality check: life can be shit at times, if you want sickly sweet sunshine, rainbows and happiness, watch Disney. If you don't want to read my updates then 'unfriend me', both online and in real life. The world is so full of fakery and all people do when they only post positive, sugar coated updates is add to this false world. As Ronan Keating once sang, 'life is a rollercoaster'.

Don't always believe me. I know that sounds crazy but I do lie. When you ask me if I'm getting tired or if I want to go home yet I will often deny how bad I am feeling because I don't want to 'give in' and most importantly I don't want to ruin things for you. I want you to enjoy it when we go places, I don't want to be a killjoy. I feel like I am letting you down if I can't do all the things that you want to do or see all the things you want to see. So I'll often carry on and deny that my legs feel like jelly and I'm struggling to stand up or even see properly. I might say I feel bad but I probably won't say just how bad. 

Don't forget to tell me if you have a virus and we are supposed to meet up. I have a low immune system and if I catch what you catch it will take me a lot longer to get over it and it will cause a flare up of my other symptoms.    

Don't forget that what you see is probably not what you get. I usually end up on the sofa or in bed when I have spent time with you. This is because I have chosen to use my energy on having fun with you. If you want to understand more then research the 'spoons theory', because this explains how people with chronic pain and illness cope each day. I have a limited amount of energy each day and I usually pace myself as much as possible, resting in between activities. I don't do this as strictly as I should which is why the occupational therapist discharged me at the hospital. They wanted me to time EVERY single activity in my day and stop each one just before I got tired or felt pain, and I refused to regiment my life like that because to me that wasn't a life.  However, if I meet you for dinner plans I have probably just woken up from a long sleep or rest and getting ready has triggered all my symptoms again. So excuse me if I am flustered.

Don't judge me on what I did yesterday or what we did together last week or last month. Like I've said, every day is different. So we may have walked through town last week but today I can't walk as far or walking will affect me a lot more. A walk that is short for you is not short for me on a bad day. It's like that saying, 'try walking a mile in someone else's shoes'. 

Remember that if my parents didn't do everything that they do for me I would probably see you a lot, lot less and we wouldn't do a great deal. If I cooked, cleaned, tidied, drove etc then I'd have no energy to leave the house. For everything that they do for me I am truly grateful. I am also truly grateful to have you in my life and for the fact that you are reading this and trying to understand. I know at times it is difficult to deal with or you don't know what to say, but just being there and being you is what makes me happy. 

Male depression and why we need to get men to speak up not man up'

Suicide in men has been described as a 'silent epidemic'. In comparison to women, men have a shockingly high death rate from suicide. In fact they are three times more likely to kill themselves and the suicide rate amongst men is at it's highest since 2001. Self-harm rates have tripled and there has been an 165% increase in prescribed antidepressants in England since 1998. However, the majority of prescriptions written for these medications are written for women. Today, around 13 men in the UK will kill themselves (according to latest figures 4,858 men killed themselves in 2013) and the question I want to ask is why is this number so high?

The Samaritans lists 'emotional illiteracy', 'relationship breakdowns', 'unemployment' and 'the challenges of mid-life' in the top 6 reasons for men taking their own lives but I blame society for constantly reinforcing gender stereotypes. Last year a man I know tried to take his own life in a very disturbing, planned out way.  Fortunately he didn't succeed in his attempt and is now recovering well. The saddest thing was that he had felt unable to confide in anyone about how he was feeling. It hurt me to realise how alone with his feelings he must have been. Suicide is not as some people say, 'selfish'. Imagine how low you would have to be to get to the point where you think removing yourself from life is the only option. Depressed people may believe that the world is better off without them or that death is the only way to escape their intense emotional pain. Because that is what depression is, pain. The feeling of being stuck in a vacuous deep black hole that is consuming you. I know it well yet thankfully I have never attempted suicide. The man I know was so deeply depressed he planned his suicide in such minute detail over several weeks yet he couldn't speak to anyone about his thoughts. Why is this?

We live in a world so desperate for equality and so against discrimination yet it seems that men are still expected to conform to society's outdated stereotypes of masculinity. Rarely does society actually emphasise with the causes of male depression and instead many different derogatory sayings are thrown at men who are in touch with their feelings. The amount of times I have heard people say 'Man up' , 'grow some balls'  or 'only girls cry'.  Far less men are actually diagnosed with depression than women and the reason for this may be the fact that men are less likely to visit the doctor to talk about their mental health because they want to assume the alpha-male role and appear invincible. More women than men complain about sexist behaviour yet the fact that society still says 'real' men should be stoic, independent and strong is just as bad if not more harmful than saying that women belong in the kitchen. This intense pressure means that most men feel responsible or in charge of their families' lives either financially or as 'head of the household' and they may worry that admitting that they can't cope would be a sign of failure. This is the biggest misconception because in reality depression has absolutely nothing to do with being weak or having failed and is usually a result of a chemical imbalance in the brain or the pressures of the modern world. Winston Churchill was a great leader yet he suffered massively with what he called his 'black dog' of depression and many highly talented and successful men suffer with depression.

It seems that there is a lot more awareness of the different types of mental health issues that affect women yet little to nothing about the issues men face. For example, the last decade there has been more awareness and understanding of Post Natal Depression in women yet if a man claims to have it he is laughed at. Admittedly a man doesn't have the same biology as a woman and therefore doesn't go through the same hormonal and body changes but having a baby is a huge lifestyle change for both the sexes. Changes affect people in many different ways and although it may be far less severe than the female PND a man can struggle after his partner gives birth. A baby brings about many life and relationship changes and men can feel like they are pushed to the back of the queue or that they aren't needed in the same way as the mother is. Some men also struggle to cope after witnessing their partners give birth because seeing it has traumatised them. Most men who feel like this wouldn't speak out for fear of being judged a bad father/partner, or again, being viewed of as weak. This is just one example of how male depression isn't taken seriously or discussed but obviously there are many different reasons why men can suffer mental health issues, some of which we may not even be aware of. 

Men aren't robots, they don't have the ability to turn emotions on and off. Men are human beings the same as women are. Human beings have emotions and the capacity to show them and denying someone this freedom of expression can internalise the pain. Statistically men are far more likely to use drink, drugs or alcohol to self medicate instead of talking about it. Repressing strong feelings such as anxiety can cause anger and an externalisation of mental distress resulting in destructive behaviour and even an involvement with the law.  It is a fact that 90% of male prisoners have mental health problems and that this is far higher than the percentage of female prisoners suffering similar issues. We really need to get men to drop this 'macho mask' and in order to do this we need to move on from the ridiculous image of masculinity that we have created during the last two centuries. If we look through history our predecessors held completely different views. In Ancient Greek culture men were expected to cry if their family's honour was at stake and one of the greatest signs of true manliness was to shed tears. In fact, this idea was spread through many cultures and up until the 19th century a man who could cry was considered to be a very strong man, capable of showing his weaknesses and proving that he cared about life. Crying is a very powerful proactive way to counteract the  adverse effects of stress, depression and anxiety. Tears contain a natural painkiller called leucine enkephalin and tears that are produced by stress get rid of chemicals that raise cortisol, the stress hormone. A 2008 study at the University of South Florida found that crying can be self soothing and that the shedding of tears can elevate moods better than any antidepressant. We really need to stop just dealing out pharmaceutical remedies and start talking more. As a society we have a responsibility to look at how we enforce and promote such damaging and old fashioned beliefs. Parents should help their sons to grow up able to appropriately and securely show their emotions in times of pain, grief and sadness as well as in times of happiness. It should be taught that it's ok for boys to cry or be vulnerable. Breaking down the stereotypes is the key to dispersing this 'silent epidemic' and significantly reducing the suffering and the suicide rate in men. From time to time remember to ask the men in your life how they are feeling and next time you think about telling someone to 'man up', try to think about the negative message you are unconsciously sending out.  We need to make a change in order to save lives. Thank you.

STOP! Hey Hey Wait a Minute Mr Postman

The night before my big operation last November I was so petrified of being cut open that I couldn't get to sleep. I was emotionally all over the place. I had been dreading this day for months and despite trying my hardest to think positive, my stomach was doing somersaults. It sounds dramatic but I had a deep fear that I might not make it through the procedure. I have had a few operations over the past couple of years but the thought of a four hour one was more than a bit daunting. I kept thinking about my past and the things that I wish I had done or said because I have always believed that it is the things we don't do or say that we regret in life. My previous counsellor had suggested writing letters to the people in my past who had been significant to me either in a positive or a negative way, not necessarily with the intention of sending them but just to release my feelings during times of stress. Four hours is a bloody long time to be under a general anaesthetic and I was having abdominal surgery which carries one of the highest risks for blood clots. Ridiculous as it sounds I wanted to do what my counsellor had suggested in case I never got the chance to. There were certain people I felt had been really influential in my life and I wanted more than anything to tell them and thank them for helping me. So, in the hours before I left for Birmingham I sat in bed scribbling down words, thoughts and feelings in the worst handwriting imaginable and at 3am I put several of what I would loosely call 'letters' into envelopes, morbidly thinking that if anything happened to me someone would send them. I wrote addresses on two of them but left the others plain as I had no idea where the people they were written to worked or lived. I also wrote a lot down in my notebook in a rough non letter format before falling asleep pen in hand. I hoped that my letters would never have to be sent because I would recover and be ok but it felt good just to write it all down before facing my worst nightmare.

The operation went well. I had my boyfriend and my Dad there to support me but not my Mum as I had asked her to stay home and look after my beautiful doggy. Well, imagine my shock horror when laying in a hospital bed unable to move a text came through from my Mum saying 'I posted your letters for you'. I felt my heart hit my mouth and my stomach drop reading those words on my mobile screen. I felt like I had fallen a hundred feet and I couldn't get up. My head was suddenly a hive of buzzing questions. How could I have been so stupid? What the hell was I going to do now? What would these people think of me? Could someone give me a time machine? One letter wasn't too bad and I probably would have sent it when I got home but the other was never under any circumstances going to be posted while I walked the earth. If you want to imagine how I was feeling then imagine writing down your innermost feelings in your diary, being totally open and thinking that nobody would ever read what you had written. Now imagine someone ripping out the pages and printing them in the local newspaper for the whole town to read. There I was miles from home and powerless to do anything, in fact the recipient was probably reading it right then in that moment as I freaked out.

Basically, like many other teenagers I had a crush on a teacher at school. I was vulnerable and lonely and I used this crush as a form of escapism because my life was difficult. There was nothing sinister about it and there was certainly no encouragement from the other side. I was just a seventeen year old girl with my hormones and emotions flying about and in desperate need of a positive role model in my life. This person was everything I aspired to be and they were the only person I could open up to and be truly honest with. I was fake with everyone my own age because I was scared of being bullied again. This person was attractive, intelligent, honest and most importantly, confident. I wanted to be all of those things but my self esteem had been battered so badly by bullying that I just hid behind a false, gregarious persona, wanting so desperately to be accepted but fearing that I never would be. I was frightened by people my own age and that school had been a scary place for a number of years. I turned to this person and they listened and I felt that they understood.

The worst thing about it is that the content of the letter is really sketchy in my memory. I wrote it in horrible, rushed, scribbly handwriting and oh my god I wrote it on notebook paper that had cartoon minions all over the bottom! It was 2am and I was exhausted and rambling on. I can never keep things short. It could have said anything. I didnt even have a copy to analyse and ask my closest friends opinion of, just a rough idea in my mind of what I had written. Unfortunately the one thing I do know is that I admitted my crush to this person. The letter was originally just going to be a 'thank you' letter but a few years ago I was friends with someone who was a 'shit stirrer'. I was trying to think of a more eloquent term for it but 'shit stirrer' is the perfect description of her. We told each other things we hadn't told anyone else because at the time I trusted her but sadly I have since found out that my trust was broken. Basically she is a storyteller and I guess my worry was that she had somehow spilled this particular secret out and inflated it to make me look like a weirdo because that's what she does. I've been told things about her that made me realise I should never have trusted her so I thought that slipping the truth in casually would make it look less intense and light hearted whilst giving my side of the story. Now I realise this bizarre admission would have looked just that, bizarre. The poor recipient probably thought I was crazy and was after something romantic in return for my declaration! I just hope that I explained why I was writing, that this person was a positive role model in my life when I needed one the most and how very much it meant to me to have that.

I don't claim to be 'normal'. In fact I don't think there is such a thing and if there was I would hate to be described in such a way. It's a word that I associate with boring or dull. I like to think I am unique. I refuse to grow up, I can be silly at times and I think that life would be yawn inducing if we all acted like 'mature adults'. The people who know me would never describe me as creepy, stalkerish or strange but given the fact that some of the worlds most notorious psychopaths were described by their loved ones as kind, 'normal' and caring I can understand how that in itself may not be reassuring. Seriously though I am too honest for my own good and I hate people who have a hidden agenda. Aside from spending a few years in the same school this person is essentially a stranger so I can imagine a letter of this kind arriving out of the blue from someone who you last saw over a decade ago would be confusing and extremely weird. During my recovery I watched the film 'Single White Female' for the first time and I thought 'holy shitballs...what if the recipient of my letter thinks I am like the main character?'.  I considered writing again to explain that the letter was never meant to reach them but I couldn't decide if it would make matters worse. I was so worried a reply might come through the door telling me to politely to leave them alone but I never got a reply....and in some ways the silence was worse!

Its over six months ago now but because it was such a mistake it still plays on my mind. Nobody wants the person that they used to idolise to think bad things about them and I haven't a clue how my letter received. It is a small world and there is a strong possibility that one day I could bump into this person in town and if that happened I think I would die on the spot. It's not the fact that they now know I had a crush on them. That doesn't bother me. I'm quite open about things like that and I would hope that my young self could be excused for having those feelings. It's the fact that I look like a nutter because what kind of person writes to someone who is already married and tells them how they felt 15 years ago?!  I guess that there is a high chance that this person might not even remember me which would be a bonus. However, you only need to type in my name on social media and up pops a photo of me with my bright red hair, hair that makes me far more recognisable in the flesh. Oh the joys of the 21st century! Seriously though, so many teenagers pass through that school each year, what makes me so memorable? I am in contact with another former teacher and she too suggested writing another letter to explain and apologise for my Mum's error. She is such a wise owl and I fully trust her judgement but I just don't know what I would say. I couldn't exactly write a letter just saying 'hi again. Just so you know I'm not crazy' and I don't want to risk making the situation even worse. Like I said at the beginning, I think that the things we regret in life are the things we don't say or do. This however is definitely an exception. My Mum's innocent act of kindness has definitely left me with a regret and jeez I wish someone had invented that time machine ..... 

Does provocative clothing invite rape?

People judge a book by its cover more now than ever before. We are surrounded by fakery, a nation of plastic surgery enthusiasts inspired by the false image of perfection projected by the media and it's obsession with airbrushing. A variety of experiments by Princeton psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov have revealed that it only takes one tenth of a second to form an opinion of someone. People get victimised for their looks so frequently in today's society so in this blog entry I want to talk about why people shouldn't be so quick to judge people on their exterior appearance and the possible consequences of doing so. 

Those who know me will immediately question why I am about to compare aspects of myself to Katie Price because in many ways we are inherently different. Say the name Katie Price and the image that springs to mind is a huge breasted glamour model with orange skin, fake hair and surgically enhanced features. You either love her or hate her, there is no inbetween. I have had four boyfriends and I chose to stay a virgin until I was twenty five whereas Katie has been married three times and has five children by three different men. I am not saying that is a bad thing, I am merely pointing out the differences between us. Miss Price is known as someone who fires off expletive laden tweets on Twitter and warns people not to 'mess with the Pricey' so when she entered the Celebrity Big Brother house last year and met her nemesis Katie Hopkins people were expecting fireworks. However, when the public was confronted with the quiet Kate who gets so nervous she hyperventilates and her body trembles, they were confused. Underneath the Jaffa orange tan and three pairs of false eyelashes lies a very different Kate. She was labelled as 'boring' and despite winning the show people complained that she hadn't done enough to warrant receiving her fee for entering the house. People even questioned whether she was being nice in order to boost her fledging popularity with the public and to reinvent herself. Maybe if people had dropped their negativity they would have realised that Katie was just being herself, she wasn't being Jordan. Katie's alter ego Jordan was a character she created in order to get her fame. In my previous blogs I have briefly touched upon the fact that I am someone who had to create an identity to hide behind. Most people do this to some extent but it is far more common in people who have suffered some form of bullying and or identity crisis. I use mine as a protection because it was formed specifically for this. Katie has often said that behind Jordan lies a quieter slightly insecure girl.

One thing Katie didn't disappoint fans with is her discussions of a sexual nature, discussing in detail her sexual exploits with ex husband and cross dresser Alex Reid. Some people were mortified at her revelations on national TV and questioned why she would do it but Katie has always been an open book when it comes to her sexuality. It's lewd, crude and incredibly personal but it's honest. Personally I think that she uses her sexual innuendoes and gossip as a  defence mechanism.  I think that because I do it myself. People use defence mechanisms as a way to distance themselves from full awareness of upsetting thoughts, feelings or behaviours. It's a kind of distraction technique and a way of protecting yourself from emotionally connecting with things and it's usually used unconsciously (the person doesn't always know that they are doing it). Dissociation is one of the more commonly recognised defense mechanisms. This is where someone finds another representative of their self in order to continue in the moment. An example of this is the class clown who takes on the comedian role to hide his insecurities or to divert attention away from his . People who have a history of childhood abuse often use this kind of defense mechanism. Katie Price has admitted that she suffered sexual abuse when she was young and she herself even questioned whether that was why she went down the career path she did. She felt that in becoming 'Jordan' she could exploit her sexy side and make money by portraying a more hyped up version of herself and fair play to her for that. She has amassed a fortune by playing a character and because of that she has provided her children with financial security for life. Jordan was also a mask that she could hide behind. My close friends know me as someone flirtatious with a naughty humour who likes to hear about their sexual exploits and who loves to fill conversations with innuendoes.  This doesn't mean that I am promiscuous, it just means that I find the subject intriguing.

When I was in the sixth form I had an experience that made me question the way I dressed and my whole demeanour. I was seventeen and I was innocent. My naughty humour and my sexual innuendoes may have led people to think otherwise, but I was pretty naive back then. I loved to dress for attention but it was never about getting boys to fancy me it was more about showing the girl bullies that they no longer controlled me. He was handsome yet arrogant, popular yet lacking substance. He was in the Sixth Form yet his mind frame was stuck in year 11 because he didn't really want to learn or take things seriously. He was well known to the teachers as someone who would mess about and get shouted at because despite choosing to stay on for his A levels, it was clear he didn't want to be there.  I already had a fear of men/boys because in Years 10 and 11 I had previously experienced what my counsellor suggested was sexual abuse but I still feel was just inappropriate behaviour. This guy tripled that fear the day he intimidated me in a very sexual way. We were nearing our exams. I remember the early Summer day because of the heat from the sun as it glared through the large full length Windows in the drama studio. I was wearing my white stone washed denim jeans and a tight fitting vest top yet I was so hot my make up had begun to slide off my face. There was a disabled toilet at the bottom of the staircase that led to our Drama room. The girls often used it to get changed. Today I was using the mirror in there to put my make up back on. I had left the door open.  I saw him walk past then suddenly he was in there with me, sliding the door and locking it behind him. I felt the butterflies take flight in my stomach, I felt unsafe, knowing that this was inappropriate. His face was deadly serious but I couldn't read it. I'm normally very good at reading body language. I felt his eyes on me and it freaked me out being trapped in this small space with him. He made some comment out how sexy my body was and I ignored it. His hand moved to the flies on his jeans, beginning to unzip them and suddenly I could hear my heart beating in my chest.  'What are you doing?' I managed to ask, diverting my eyes quickly and meeting your intense ones with a panic. 'Don't you want to see it?' He asked with a smile on his face. So brazen, so bizarre yet so intimidating. He began to move towards me, unzipping as he got closer. He was blocking my exit. I remember many different scenarios flashing before my eyes. I don't know how I packed my make up away and pushed past him to escape but thankfully I did.  I ran up the stairs as fast as my legs would carry me and rejoined the class with my head spinning and my face burning red. I didn't say anything, I felt like such a fool, wondering if I had done anything to encourage him. There was one teacher I really trusted but I was too embarrassed to tell her. I remember knocking on her classroom door and saying something random about needing help with exam timetables because I couldn't get the words out. Sure, I could joke about sexual things but at that point in my life I couldn't talk seriously about them. I was worried about what people would say and I felt stupid. In fact I didn't tell anyone about this guy until years later when I confided in a male friend who had been friends with him at school. Apparently he had told him a completely fabricated version of the story that involved me performing a sex act on him. I was furious but it was too late to change history now. To this day I still feel a slight unease around men, particularly in certain situations and it has certainly added to my lack of trust in them. Previous to that day I had barely spoken to that guy so I often wondered whether my tight clothing had led him to assume I was promiscuous because of the prejudices towards women and their sexuality. Now I know different. No women should be made to feel that she can't wear what she wants to for fear of being judged or attacked.

It is true that how a woman chooses to dress unfairly leads to conclusions being made about her character, her willingness to have sex, her vulnerability etc but it doesn't make someone rape or take advantage of her. Women should not be slaves to unjust perceptions or frightened by the opposite sex. Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, man or woman, gay or straight. It doesn't matter if you are a virgin or even like Katie, a glamour model. Forced and unwanted sexual activity is assault full stop. It is simply a myth that provocative clothing or flirting invites sexual assault. A girl wearing a short skirt is not asking for a man to put his hand up it, a topless woman on a beach or posing for a magazine shoot is not asking to be groped simply because her breasts are exposed. A man may feel sexually attracted to a woman because of her appearance but sexual arousal does not lead to sexual violence. Not all men are dangerous to women because they 'can't help themselves'. If looking at an attractive woman made men think 'I must rape her' then all men would be rapists. Rape is a terrifying, humiliating act of violence not sex and a rapist is someone who wants to dominate, violate and control a woman. A rapist is not a horny man who has taken a look at a woman's outfit and been convinced that she wanted sex. Statistically you are more likely to be raped by someone you know. Only 10% of rapes are committed by 'strangers' (info provide by rapecrisis.org) and one in five women are raped by their partners or husbands. Provocative clothing does not incite rape or sexual abuse. It is simply a form of victim blaming. A rapist will try to do or say anything to discredit the person that they attacked because he needs to justify the act in his own head instead of accepting that he is a criminal.  Blame should never be placed onto victims because many of them already suffer from the shame, flashbacks and unjustified guilt that may be associated with 'rape trauma syndrome'. There is not other crime where the victim is analysed so cruelly in order to try and shift blame.

I have always been judged by my appearance and people tend to make very quick first judgements of me. If you have read my other blog entries you will know that at school I was called a 'tart' or 'slag' purely based on my apperance. It not ok that it happened in 1998 and it is still not ok for it to be happening now, either years later.  Just recently a lady that I work with was astounded when I told her that when I was 12 I had one of the highest IQ's in my class. In fact, it took a while to convince her that I wasn't lying. I feel a constant need to prove to people that I am not some dumbass. I can be ditzy, unorganised (every single school report said 'unorganised and talks too much instead of listening'...no change there then) but that doesn't mean that I am lacking in intelligence.  We must stop judging people on the way they look because it can have serious consequences. I for one will dress how I like for the rest of my life. I can't stop people having negative opinions of me but I can change the way I deal with that.

Who runs the world? girls!

'No man has ever made me feel,ugly but women/girls have battered down my self esteem over and over'. I am going to start this post by quoting myself and hopefully by doing so I won't come across as conceited or trite. My latest question in life is why do we as females feel the need to put people of the same sex down? Why do we criticise, judge and chastise each other ? Is it because we are trying to quell our own deep insecurities, because we are suffering jealousy and are unconsciously projecting our own flaws onto others in order to feel better about ourselves ? I have been the victim of verbal and psychological bullying at the hands of girls. This involved name calling, malicious rumour spreading, exclusion and humiliation. After my operation three weeks ago I had a light bulb moment where I realised that I have lived for many years fearing the female population after losing my faith in them. I know first hand the extreme cruelty women can cause each other and I witness it daily on social media and in magazines. Women are so judgemental of each other but this no way to live. Whatever happened to 'sisters doing it for themselves' ? Was Rudyard Kipling right when he said that 'the female of the species is more deadlier than the male' ?

In the nineties The Spice Girls gave us Girl Power and suddenly women began celebrating being female and gained strength by uniting in their new found power. Since then technology has advanced and mobile phone cameras have created  'the selfie generation' and girls everywhere are uploading digitally enhanced photos of themselves or posing for multiple shots in order to get the 'perfect photo'.  This new fad combined with the extreme airbrushing in magazines has resulted in an obsession with plastic surgery and an unhealthy focus on appearance. Girls can be known as the bitchy sex. Girls get together and often chat about other girls. It's like some kind of shameful bonding exercise where we judge other girls on their looks, their social media status updates and photos. Women spend more time checking each other out than they do men. We are fascinated by every aspect of other women. Whether it is their clothes, hair, make up or even weight, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others. It's not healthy.  Society pushes women to try and adhere to unattainable standards of beauty which puts unbelievable pressure on us. Some girls take drastic measures to try and keep up resulting in low self esteem and even, at the severe end of the scale, body dysmorphia and eating disorders. Yet women still aren't supporting each other.

It is only this week that I have realised how badly the break up of an important childhood friendship has affected me and that revelation in itself is therapeutic. I have spoken about it before in my previous blog entries but I never realised how badly it hurt me. Annie* (not her real name) and I were like sisters. We would spent hours together and she came on several holidays with my parents and I. However, underneath the friendship ran a manipulative streak with her voicing constant threats of falling out with me. After two years as best friends I went on holiday abroad for two weeks and when I came back she wanted nothing to do with me. When we fell out it ripped my heart into a million pieces, I felt totally rejected and I assumed that there must have been something wrong with me. She flaunted her new friendship in my face by walking past my house on a daily basis arm in arm with a girl she knew I didn't get on with, a girl who had always disliked me. She spread rumours around the village about me, telling people I was a 'slag', making me sound strange by conjuring up bizarre stories about me. She may as well have stamped on my heart, I have truly never felt so alone. I was at a new school with people I barely knew and that's when the bullying started and girls constantly called me 'ugly'.  From then on I think I put a barrier up with girls because no girl had ever been truly nice to me. Despite going through a few friendships with girls I shut myself off emotionally from connecting with them. Some of that was because I picked the wrong friends again but some of it was because girls intimidated me.

Three weeks ago everything started to change. I never want to forget what I have just been through. I have faced something I so badly wanted to run away from and I have been fighting it so very well which I never imagined I would do. The past five days have been a roller coaster of emotions. I have been through a major four hour operation and I have done it miles from home and from my Mum and by doing so I have overcome so many hurdles. I had two procedures to remove two separate fibroids. One was removed laparoscopically and the other was done via a hysteroscopic resection (basically through the vagina!) . The fibroid that was removed via keyhole surgery measured 10.5cm and the surgeon discovered it was pressing on my organs, especially my bladder and blocking the tube up to my kidney and pushing everything up into my ribcage. The six month artificial menopause I had been put in to was supposed to shrink it by cutting off it's oestrogen supply (oestrogen makes them grow), but it hadn't shrunk it, it had probably just halted its growth. It is strange to say that during what should have been a bad time I have experienced the greatest lesson in empowerment and that during the hours of pain I was at the happiest I have been in twenty years. This is all because I met and bonded with the girls in my hospital ward and I realised that the female population can be kind and powerful. 

The night after my operation I was dreading being alone and in pain but once I started chatting to the girls around me I realised I was anything but alone. Sammy, Nabila, Amanda and Michelle were all going through hard things and it was like we were united in our pain. Our lovely staff nurse made three of us tea, toast and jam and we all had a late night chat, bonding and smiling. The next day Sammy got her boyfriend to bring in a Subway sandwich for us both and because I had barely eaten in a day I swear it was like a little piece of heaven. Since I left hospital I have eaten four Subways and before I went in I hadn't eaten one in four years! Sammy made me laugh so hard it literally hurt. She was strong, fun, kind and most importantly very genuine and uplifting. There was not a single streak of jealousy or bitchiness in her. It felt so unbelievably good to spend such a difficult time with other girls. I always put on a mask but due to the circumstance I had no choice but to be myself and that helped me to push through pain and not once did I feel lonely. I often get annoyed with people who suggest curing depression or chronic illness by 'thinking positive' because I don't think it's that simple. However, being able to feed off of other people's positive energy, genuinely smiling (instead of my usual facade) and having a bright outlook really did pull me through. Despite me telling them how amazing they were they probably have no idea what they have done for me. They were my little guardian angels, my rays of light in what I thought was going to be a very dark place. They have restored my faith, my hope for the future, made me realise that have to start living life being more myself.  

A simple but really poignant act of human kindness touched me so deeply. Sammy and Amanda were both asleep but I couldn't get comfortable because of the pain so I messaged Michelle was was awake in the bed opposite me and we chatted via Facebook for a while so we didn't wake anyone up. I had barely any battery left on my mobile and I couldn't move because I was hooked up to a drip, an oxygen mask and a catheter and I was in pain. When I told Michelle she got up despite her own pain and hobbled over to plug mobile in. It was the sweetest thing ever. Women should have a fundamental urge to look after each other. We should be able to tell another woman she looks beautiful and not feel threatened or jealous of her looks but be full of admiration. Women fought for equal rights we were sick of men belittling us yet we constantly bring each other down. Girl Power is what we should be championing. We need to stop the bitchy war of words that's fought behind each other's backs. Get over the fights we had over insignificant things when we were 15, and tell each other when we are looking hot! Being green with envy is like a disease. It is soul destroying and bad for your self esteem because it takes so much effort to be hurtful, hateful and bitter. Life is much nicer when you smile and appreciate the beauty in others. Why not smile at that girl who disliked you 18 years ago...the past is the past!  The female form is something which has inspired art for centuries now, it is something of great beauty.  Beyoncé is right, girls do rule the world. However, let's make this is positive thing not something to fear. 

My Quest for a Cure...Part 1

I have health issues. I know that and you now know that (if you have read my previous blog entries). One thing I don't often talk to people in day to day life about is my M.E and that is for a variety of reasons which I will share with you now. One reason is the fact that I have accepted this condition is with me constantly. Not fully accepted it but I am on my way there. Getting to this stage had been and still is very hard and deeply emotional. It us pretty much like grieving for two people; the person I used to be and the person that I wanted to be in the future. The second reason is because I don't always want to compare my journey with other people's. In some instances it does help to talk to other people who are going through the same things but personally for me I find the concept of comparing my symptoms to someone else's very scary. I have anxiety already and when I hear people telling me about their pain or their symptoms getting worse or anything else negative I panic that I will end up worse which in theory I feel could be a self fulfilling prophecy. The third reason is because I don't have a money tree growing in my back garden. I can sense your confusion now so I will elaborate on that statement. When you have an incurable health condition especially one that is very difficult to treat, people like to suggest 'cures'. Their suggestions are I am sure, coming from a well meaning place (apart from the money maker who literally knocked on my door following a newspaper article I wrote on M.E many years ago) but I have chased almost every 'cure' suggested to me over the years and I can conclude that there is no simple answer. Not only is this soul crushing to someone who would do anything to get her life back so she could fulfil her dreams but it's also money devouring, especially to someone with no job related income. In a bid to help you understand what I have been through on my mission to beat this illness I am going to try and explain some of the 'treatments' I have tried. This may be a blog entry of many parts and this is part one. I would like to state that I am writing from my own personal point of view and experience and whilst they haven't worked for me it doesn't mean that they won't for you but please be aware of full financial costs involved before pursuing any treatment and do your research. Our desperation to be healthy again means that we are vulnerable to being taken advantage of by charlatans and that it is easier for people to turn our weaknesses to their advantage.

First of all I want to talk about food intolerance tests. I have had a variety. One was done at a well know health food shop so long ago I can barely remember when but let's say 12 years ago. This involved some kind of meter thing which you touched at the same time as touching a bottle conataining various food substances and if you were intolerant the needle would move. I ended up with a massive list of foods I couldn't eat and my new diet didn't last long. It was impossible to cut them all out and when I did I didn't feel any benefit. Another test I had was the more well known York Food tests. This was around about 8years ago (ish). Basically, I supplied a small home blood sample (2 or 3 drops) and paid a low fee to get a yes or no answer to the question 'do I have food intolerances'. If the test came back as a yes you then had a choice to pay more (rather a lot more) to test your blood against a variety of foods, or food and drinks. I chose the option containing the wider variety of food and drink which of course was the most expensive. The test came back showing various intolerances. From what I can remember there was yeast, dairy, and a lower reaction to garlic, liquorice and cola. You were advised to cut these out of your diet for a period of time and that in the future you may be able to reintroduce them slowly. It's a long while ago so my recollection is a bit sketchy. They test for IgG reactions in your blood.  However you have to remember this test checks for intolerances NOT allergies. True allergies to food affect only 2% of the population and can be life threatening whereas Intolerances affect many many more people and although they can cause upsetting symptoms, they are never life threatening.  I was a bit miffed that you had to answer a question about what symptoms you were experiencing because I felt that it would have been better to not have to reveal any medical problems until after your result. I remember being suspicious that knowing your symptoms could provide them with information they didn't need to know and that they could just suggest food intolerances commonly linked to whatever symptoms you were experiencing. A nutritionalist at my local hospital was shocked at how many foods I had cut from my diet because he said my body could be lacking in vitamins and minerals (I did indeed become calcium deficient when I cut dairy out). York tests do provide information on how to replace vitamins and minerals etc but I obviously hadn't done enough. The nutritionalist didn't believe that any test could reveal intolerances and informed me that the only real way to know was to live on a bland/basic elimination diet before reintroducing foods one at a time. I avoided the foods that York tests had showed an intolerance to for a long time. I ordered special bread online that didn't contain yeast and had to have eight loaves delivered at once to ensure the postage was worth it. I struggled when I went abroad and had to sneak my special bread and rice milk into Spain. It was such a pain having to look through every ingredient in the foods I was consuming and shopping would take ages, I didn't feel a massive benefit and I lost quite a lot of weight over the year (which I didn't need to because I was already skinny). I really don't feel that it was helpful to me and I felt that being so restricted was impacting my life in a negative way. To this day I still use rice milk on my cereal and it's only in the past year or so that I have begun eating cheese again. I feel that food tests and label reading has given me a bit of a problem with food. I eat a LOT and always have, I have a strong appetite but it has taken a massive edge off of the enjoyment I get from food. I worry that everything I eat is making me ill. I worry before I eat and long after because I just don't know what makes me so bad. There is so many stories in the media about certain foods being really good for you and certain foods being bad for you and when you have had years of 'label reading' it makes you analyse everything. I feel this causes you to develop a non weight related eating disorder because your relationship with food changes and worrying about every thing you eat is a really unhealthy in to do. I guess with some people it really helps to have food intolerance tests and to follow certain restricted diets especially with people who suffer from coeliac disease and can't eat gluten. However coeliac disease is an auto immune system disease and not an intolerance or allergy so it is different.

The next thing I want to tell you about is something called The Lightning Process. Esther Rantzen's daughter Emily tried the treatment for her M.E and at the time she claimed that it had cured her (it didn't and she has since spoken out a bit more about it) and it apparently cured a few people in my local M.E support group. I was curious but the first thing that put me off was the cost of this treatment. I seem to recall it was a couple of grand ish and for someone who didn't work that seemed totally out of my reach. I wondered why someone who wanted to help people get better would charge such an extortionate amount of money for what appeared to be a very simple thing. Secondly, it went against everything I believed about my illness. From the limited info you could get about it without actually paying to do it I learnt that it was 'a training programme' and able to treat a long list of conditions. Now, many years later the website seems to have a lot more information on the treatment but it is still worded a bit confusingly 'The Lightning Process will teach you how to use Neuroplasticity to break out of any destructive unconscious patterns that are keeping you stuck, and learn to use new, life and health enhancing ones instead' www.lightningprocess.com.

Anyway, a lady in my M.E group trained in it a couple of years after I first heard of it so as soon as she started up her practice I decided to do it. I have to admit the fact that she was charging half of what you would pay to go to London was what made me go for it plus I spoke to a young girl who had been 'cured' by her and had gone from bedridden to travelling around the world. I can't explain the process so I am going to quote from the website. www.actionforme.org.uk and their description reads like this.. 'The website describes LP as a training program (not a therapy) that combines concepts from Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), hypnotherapy and life coaching. It claims to help with a range of conditions from fear of failure to depression, addiction, procrastination and stage fright. According to the website “it’s also effective for enhancing happiness, business success, peak performance issues, relationships” and more. The main aim of the process is to “teach you how to regain the control in your life, and so give you the opportunity to break the spiral of illness, M.E., anxiety & stress, overwhelmedness, stuckness or low self esteem, or any other destructive patterns you have.”To achieve this “the key steps are: recognising the patterns which cause the destructive feelings in your life; creating an effective way of stopping these patterns; creating more useful alternative patterns of thinking and action.”it's all about dampening down your adrenaline'

From my own experience I would briefly say that it involves telling yourself to 'stop' the minute you have a negative thought or notice a symptom, to imagine yourself well and living your perfect life and to go on and live it. They also make sure you are 'ready and committed' to do the process before they will let you sign up for it as they believe that any doubts etc can hinder your progress and prevent you from being well again. I have to admit I was very dubious from the beginning and it may be that this did reduce its effectiveness on me. Or maybe it just didn't work? Who knows. Like I have stated before I honestly believe that most alternative treatments are reliant upon your belief in them and this has been proved in the medical world by the placebo effect. Anyway to cut a long story short I went for the treatment hoping for a major change in my condition but it didn't happen. I felt like I was living a lie, trying to act well when I felt the same pain and trying to tell myself I wasn't ill which really felt weird. It seemed confusing because they were saying that they believed in M.E yet you wouldn't tell someone with Diabetes to imagine themselves well and that it would happen. I feel the need to say that the lady who I saw for the treatment was a bit scatty and confused and that she had borrowed a friends house and had cats running in and out of the room. The fact that she was scared of cats and wouldn't move them didn't help! She was lovely but it felt like I was in the hands of a rookie and who knows, maybe if I had gone to London to see the original creator of the process things would have been different. Following my treatment I had a car accident and ended up totally wrecking my Mum's car because I was just so tired and shouldn't have been on the road. I tried to ignore my exhaustion and carried on driving trying to picture myself feeling healthy. It was outside the police station at my local shopping centre where I pulled out not looking to my right at the roundabout and a lorry went right into the side of me. Luckily it only left me with shock and whiplash. I want to be clear that I am not directly linking my accident to the Lightning Process but it is fair to say that it was a contributory factor because I wasn't listening to my body. 

My next blog entry will list all the medical procedures and tests that I have ever had done and also I will share some more of my experiences with alternative therapies.