This is my story of falling in love with a narcissist. I say love, when I should really say unreciprocated love, because as I have learnt to my extreme disappointment a person with narcissistic tendencies cannot truly love like a regular person can. Narcissicist Personality Disorder is an extremely complex condition and whilst I cannot diagnose or formally label someone with it I can recognise characteristics in people that may suggest they have similar issues. So just to be clear I am not labelling someone with a psychiatric condition, my views are merely speculative and have no qualified clinical confirmation. Dr Craig Malkin wrote that 'The most glaring problems are easy to spot -- the apparent absence of even a shred of empathy, the grandiose plans and posturing, the rage at being called out on the slightest of imperfections or normal human missteps -- but if you get too hung up on the obvious traits, you can easily miss the subtle (and often more common) features that allow a narcissist to sneak into your life and wreak havoc'. Well, one walked into my life two years ago and left it desolate so I feel the need to share my story with you in the hope you can prevent yourself falling victim to the devastation they cause.
My narcissist (let's call him Mr X) made me fall for him rapidly and deeply and in doing so he broke my heart, my soul and nearly broke my family apart. It is only now that I realise I wasn't in love with the genuine Mr X, I was in love with a dream, with the person he was when we first met and that person just didn't exist. Mr X spent virtually his entire life at work, (workaholism is another trait of narcissists but more on that later) . When I met Mr X (ironically through online dating) I was incredibly vulnerable, my life had been full of emotional drama, I had been bullied, abused and my trust in men had all but evaporated. Now I have escaped the relationship all of this has been inflated and I have been left feeling like I am unable to trust and I am ripped apart inside at the choices I made and the way I let someone treat me.It is really only through feeling the love another man and seeing what it should be like that I have realised something was seriously wrong with Mr X. You see infidelity in a relationship is devastating but it is favourable in comparison to narcissism because cheating is what it is, however, narcissism is a clever chameleon and it sends you crazy trying to work out what is going on.
I will take you back to the start. At the beginning Mr X was so attentive, so caring and my e mail inbox or mobile would fill up on a daily basis with his lovely messages. We chatted about everything, I told him all about my past, my health issues and my life in general but looking back he barely divulged anything about his own. I told him about the treatment I had received from the men in my past and he branded them 'heartless dicks', little did I know he would turn out to be the worst 'heartless dick' to enter my life. I had been single for a while and as my previous relationship had been stifling I was cautious about meeting him, but he was so patient he waited at least two months for me to say yes. When we met in town he was fifteen minutes late (this was to be his irritating signature, even not arriving at the time I requested before my Grandads funeral). At first I was taken aback by his self consciousness which was evident by his slightly hunched up appearance, but his posh voice and smile soon won me over. He wasn't my usual type, being a bit lanky and not exactly masculine but we had such a laugh that day I fell for his strange ways. I thought I had found 'the one' and I can honestly say I have never been happier. The first few months were lovely, I had a permanent smile on my face when I talked about him . Looking back some of the issues which I will discuss later were evident during this time on a smaller scale but I chose to ignore them as I was overwhelmed by my feelings for him. At this point I believed all the things I had never before experienced (lust, love, trust, honesty to name a few) were reciprocated and I got through some bad times such as my grandads death by floating by on cloud nine. The first few months were as I said picture perfect and to confirm this is typical of a narcissist I quote an online article I recently read (author unknown) which stated 'Only when the narcissist is in the overvaluation (idealization) phase of his relationships, does he experience the convulsions that he calls "feelings", these are so transient and fake that they are easily replaced by rage, envy and devaluation'. As I will explain later the transformation rapidly happened to me with Mr X.
Things were just so lovely and exciting, he often talked about lovely places to live around here. He tried to build up a picturesque image of our future in my mind and for the first time in my life I let him. However Mr X suddenly announced four months in to our relationship that if he got 'the call', (an offer of an amazing job or opportunity anywhere) at anytime he would basically go as it would be 'too good to turn down' and that it was never his plan to stay in Leicester. From day one I was totally honest with Mr X about my illness and the fact that I would never want to be away from my parents as they meant too much to me and I couldn't cope without them. If he had really took this seriously, if he had really listened then what on earth was he doing starting a relationship with me if he was just waiting to move away? He had lived in Leicester for a few years after moving here with his ex yet he still referred to his parents house six hours away as home and I found it odd all his bills went to there, he got parcels sent there and even kept his passport there. He constantly referred to it as 'home' or talked about meeting up with the 'guys' (people he was friends with as a young boy) and it was the only time I saw his face show a glint of happiness. Love anchors you to a place, love means you want to be where those you love are. They say home is where the heart is and it was clear to me that his heart was with his career and his childhood memories. I tried to bury this fear but it sat within me, a nagging monster slowly eating me up inside. I often voiced my concerns but he clearly didn't note them as every few weeks he would tell me about emails from brilliant companies trying to 'poach' him and friends who worked in London who were being paid three times his already 'unbeatable' salary..I asked why he couldnt move to a better company in Leicester yet he said 'because they couldn't afford me' or 'I would be a threat to them'. Like I have already said Narcissists have the uncanny ability to believe their delusions, he certainly did.
I previously mentioned that workaholism is a common secondary issue in certain types of narcissistic personalities well work for Mr X was the one place where he felt in control, it gave him a sense of power which was addictive to him in same way he was to me. I went to his place of work once and it was frightening to see that it was actually more like home than his flat. He did everything but sleep there and I felt like I was in his territory as he was very protective of it. When talking about work (and that was just about his only topic of conversation most days) it was as if he was the boss and there was nobody else in the picture, it was his company, his rules and only him who could do the job right. He spent more and more hours there as the months went on claiming that he had an exhausting workload due to having to complete or redo other peoples work to get it up to standard. Whenever I commented on his job I got the same reaction; he got irritated and he gave the impression that he was bearing heroic responsibility for the company he worked for and that he had to take care of everything because his co-workers were undependable, uncooperative, or generally useless. He ignored or would denigrate the abilities and contributions of others and complain that he received no help at all, constantly trying to gain admiration for his self-sacrifice for the good of others. I again quote an unknown online source here to back up the fact that narcissists are very clever at convincing you they are right because they believe they always are. "When the narcissistic defence is operating in an interpersonal or group setting, the grandiose part does not show its face in public. In public it presents a front of patience, congeniality, and confident reasonableness."Both myself and my parents were at times totally convinced by his reasons for constantly being at work and his friends would have had no clue who they were really dealing with as he covered it well. I observed him with them on several occasions and he just hung in the background quietly and smiled at the right times, interacting as little as possible. To me he looked awkward, sort of 'out of place' and the only time he came alive was when he again was taking about his job and moaning about his 'useless colleagues to friends who were in the same business.
Another aspect of his strangeness that is common in people with narcisstic personality disorder is the fact he had no sense of time and every time he was due to come over I would sit waiting for him for up to an hour. Psychological studies show that people who are chronically late to appointments are narcissistic, selfish, and have no concept of the value of others' time and Mr X was ALWAYS late. There was rarely an apology or warning that he was running late and if I ever asked I got some emotionless reply like 'sorry I got caught up finishing a job'. Whenever he appeared at my door he was usually looking at his phone, or would be within five minutes of coming in. I would be so happy to see him and start talking excitedly yet he would hold up his finger to me like I was a child and say 'Wait a minute sweetie' whilst he finished whatever he was doing. I started to feel pretty low because I would always make an effort with my appearance, especially if we were going somewhere important like a wedding but until I mentioned it he rarely complimented me. When I finally said something it would be a quick glance up from his mobile phone and a 'you look nice sweetie' before going back to the more important task. Looking back he rarely looked at me longer than a couple of seconds and he never had that 'look of love'. I don't think it was just me he was like this with, I honestly believe a woman could have stood naked in front of him in the middle of town and he wouldn't have noticed. It was at times like he was living in his own little world, a world that was never going to allow any true emotional human intimacy. His ex girlfriend had called him 'the tin man' as she had said he had no heart and no emotions and boy was she right. On several occasions he even joked that he only had three emotions 'anger', 'stress' and sometimes 'happiness'. It turned out to actually not be a joke at all, he had such a limited spectrum of emotions it was at times like trying to converse with someone who was in a hypnotic trance or high or some kind of drug.
Whatever he chose to believe I was always bottom of the list because work was his one true love, his computer never questioned him, it never asked for anything back. The only time I seemed to get any kind of emotion from him was when we were physically intimate and we never did any of that cuddling you are supposed to do after sex or those little chats you have about life, feelings, nothing in particular. When I brought it up I was always asked 'well what in particular do you want to chat about?' . We didn't talk, I talked. He said he was listening but it was hard to feel important when he had his phone in his hand or one eye on the TV yet if I mentioned it or questioned it was insinuated that I was imagining or inflating these issues.
Caroline Van Kimmenade wrote 'Trying to understand narcissists from the perspective of unconditional love is endlessly confusing. It’s a flower with an endless number of petals: “they love me, they love me not, they love me, they love me not…” Think back to a time when you were in love with someone, and you weren’t sure whether that feeling was reciprocated. It’s agonising, right? Usually though, that uncertainty wouldn’t last too long. At some point, you’d get a yes or no. With a narcissist, you’ll never get the answer, because it’s not unconditional love to start out with anyway. Whenever you behave the way they want you to, they love you, and when you don’t, they love you not. Yet if you ask a narcissist whether they love someone, they might well say “yes”. Translation: “Yes, I love this person like an appliance, when they do what I want them to”.'
After the first few months not once did I feel truly loved by him, truly treasured and wanted. I often communicated this to him but his response was that I was being hyper sensitive due to my low self esteem. I asked him what he loved about me and he replied 'you are pretty and kind', it was a generic answer really and now the honeymoon phase had long gone the only time he ever said I love you was during intimate moments. At first my phone would beep with a reply text within minutes but now he would sometimes take hours to reply claiming he was too busy to look at his phone, which he appeared to have no problem with when he was in my company and someone text him. Life had become a battle for his attention, a battle to try and get him to love me or show me love, I was constantly competing with his mobile phone, his job and his friends. I am sure in his own way he loved me, but as Caroline Van Kimmenade explained it wasn't in the way a human being loves another human being. I think I started using sex as a way of desperately trying to get some kind of emotion from him. It is only now that I have experienced true emotional intimacy and security that I realise I had never had it with anyone before unless it came with a price and I certainly had none with Mr X. It is the most painful feeling even seven months after we spilt to realise that for the first time in your life you gave everything you had to someone who was just a shell, a robot.
Things finally came to a head fourteen months after we first met. The time we spent together had got less and less. He looked physically ill from the amount of time he was spending at work. He was working 16 hour days nearly every day and when he did see me it was although he couldn't wait to go home or go back to work. He was so tired he almost fell asleep when we were being intimate on a few occasions. I saw him only three times in 5 weeks. I got so low due to my physical health and the worsening of my depression and anxiety that I had a massive panic attack and felt like I didn't want to be here anymore. I text him and told him how low I was and that my parents were calling the doctor . He text back something Iike 'you'll be ok' and I didn't reply as I just felt low. He didn't text me again until the next day, fourteen hours later, with a 'how are you today ?' ... I could have been dead or in hospital for all he knew. I asked why he didn't text again or come over and he said 'there was nothing I could do and you would never have actually done anything' . He was right I wouldn't have done anything silly but that wasn't the point. He seemed so blaise. A couple of weeks later he said he thought I was saying I didn't want to be he anymore just to get his attention and to get him to come over. I was disgusted, I couldn't take it anymore and I snapped, I said I needed a break and this ended up being permanent after a heated conversation on the phone when he said stuff I just could not get past. I don't I know what kept me tied to the relationship for so long but like drug addiction there is something highly addictive about 'the chase' even when it is all consuming it keeps you running back for more. I have always wondered what keeps people in physically abusive relationships but my experience has certainly enlightened me. It's definitely not as simple as saying its because they love the person who is abusing them. There are two well known sayings that perfectly illustrate 'the thrill of the chase' is something I have just talked about and the next one one is 'treat them mean keep them keen'. In no way would I want to underestimate the damage caused by physical abuse but abuse disguises itself under many different cloaks. I myself have been in an emotionally abusive relationship and I know how much that can mentally scar a person. Yet through my experience with Mr X I have concluded that it is indeed love that keeps you anchored to these destructive relationships. However, it may not be love for the actual person that cements you to them but a love or addiction to the 'chase' and the cons at battle to get them to love you, to 'see you' . They treat you mean and it keeps you keen. Keen to change them, keen to 'save' them, to make them love you the way you want them to. Each time they give you a little bit of 'conventional affection' it is like a glimmer of light in the darkest place. It goes on like this, a vicious circle and like a narcotic addiction you know deep down it is wrong yet you can't break free.
When we spilt up despite his promise to always be my friend and to be there for me no matter what, he disappeared into thin air. Stupidly this was the one thing I had believed he would keep to. I think his silence was his way of hurting me either that or his way of burying his head in the sand and hoping I would get the message and go away so he didn't have to spell it out. People with narcissistic tendencies tend to create solipsistic or "autistic" fantasies, basically they live in their own little worlds (and react with affront when reality dares to intrude) and like I have previously stated that's certainly true of Mr X. I had become of no use to him because I was now the enemy who had attacked his precious career aspirations and brought up barriers he was never going to be able to break back down.The success oriented narcissist will keep you close to him for as long as you are useful and once you do not have anything more to offer and he has taken all he wanted from you, you are history. Nobody can honestly say they like receiving criticism but people with narcissism are hypersensitive to it because they often have fluctuations between extreme confidence and extreme insecurity. They often imagine non-existent criticism and will act out by shutting down and sulking, or acting out in a rage. A perceived attack or criticism of the narcissist is not dealt with in a healthy, normal way and in his mind, you are either with him or against him and there is no in between. Everything is personal and there is defensiveness and reactive anger if they are not recognised or if they can't get their way. The way he spoke to me when things weren't going his way and after we had broken up was a clue to his true self. I was made to feel like a child asking too many questions, questions he was never going to give me answers to . Ask me one question at a time, you are confusing me' was his request. I was accused of 'attacking him' and causing him to be 'emotionally drained'. This was because I kept pressing him for answers and I realise now I was never, ever going to get a straight answer from him. However, I kept running back for more heartbreak and only now do I see now Its because I was desperate to get back the Mr X I had met that day in town, to get the me back that I was during those first few months, and like I said that guy didn't exist.
I realise now that this man had been everything yet nothing to me, he was incapable of being anything to anyone, I just didn't want to admit it. I had spent months defending him, making excuses for the fact he didn't care and that he made me cry. I had given everything I had to Mr X but what had he given me back apart from a little of his time, meals out and oh yeah a nervous breakdown. I am sure if he read this he would call me 'crazy' and think it was all in my head and despite it being laid out here in black and white he wouldn't accept responsibility. When a story is about something negative that happened, it will never be the narcissist's fault. But I have nothing to gain by writing this. Nobody is perfect I am not without my own list of flaws that I will openly admit to. However, my biggest flaw in this relationship was letting someone else project theirs onto me, making me doubt myself.
