The Samaritans lists 'emotional illiteracy', 'relationship breakdowns', 'unemployment' and 'the challenges of mid-life' in the top 6 reasons for men taking their own lives but I blame society for constantly reinforcing gender stereotypes. Last year a man I know tried to take his own life in a very disturbing, planned out way. Fortunately he didn't succeed in his attempt and is now recovering well. The saddest thing was that he had felt unable to confide in anyone about how he was feeling. It hurt me to realise how alone with his feelings he must have been. Suicide is not as some people say, 'selfish'. Imagine how low you would have to be to get to the point where you think removing yourself from life is the only option. Depressed people may believe that the world is better off without them or that death is the only way to escape their intense emotional pain. Because that is what depression is, pain. The feeling of being stuck in a vacuous deep black hole that is consuming you. I know it well yet thankfully I have never attempted suicide. The man I know was so deeply depressed he planned his suicide in such minute detail over several weeks yet he couldn't speak to anyone about his thoughts. Why is this?
We live in a world so desperate for equality and so against discrimination yet it seems that men are still expected to conform to society's outdated stereotypes of masculinity. Rarely does society actually emphasise with the causes of male depression and instead many different derogatory sayings are thrown at men who are in touch with their feelings. The amount of times I have heard people say 'Man up' , 'grow some balls' or 'only girls cry'. Far less men are actually diagnosed with depression than women and the reason for this may be the fact that men are less likely to visit the doctor to talk about their mental health because they want to assume the alpha-male role and appear invincible. More women than men complain about sexist behaviour yet the fact that society still says 'real' men should be stoic, independent and strong is just as bad if not more harmful than saying that women belong in the kitchen. This intense pressure means that most men feel responsible or in charge of their families' lives either financially or as 'head of the household' and they may worry that admitting that they can't cope would be a sign of failure. This is the biggest misconception because in reality depression has absolutely nothing to do with being weak or having failed and is usually a result of a chemical imbalance in the brain or the pressures of the modern world. Winston Churchill was a great leader yet he suffered massively with what he called his 'black dog' of depression and many highly talented and successful men suffer with depression.
It seems that there is a lot more awareness of the different types of mental health issues that affect women yet little to nothing about the issues men face. For example, the last decade there has been more awareness and understanding of Post Natal Depression in women yet if a man claims to have it he is laughed at. Admittedly a man doesn't have the same biology as a woman and therefore doesn't go through the same hormonal and body changes but having a baby is a huge lifestyle change for both the sexes. Changes affect people in many different ways and although it may be far less severe than the female PND a man can struggle after his partner gives birth. A baby brings about many life and relationship changes and men can feel like they are pushed to the back of the queue or that they aren't needed in the same way as the mother is. Some men also struggle to cope after witnessing their partners give birth because seeing it has traumatised them. Most men who feel like this wouldn't speak out for fear of being judged a bad father/partner, or again, being viewed of as weak. This is just one example of how male depression isn't taken seriously or discussed but obviously there are many different reasons why men can suffer mental health issues, some of which we may not even be aware of.
Men aren't robots, they don't have the ability to turn emotions on and off. Men are human beings the same as women are. Human beings have emotions and the capacity to show them and denying someone this freedom of expression can internalise the pain. Statistically men are far more likely to use drink, drugs or alcohol to self medicate instead of talking about it. Repressing strong feelings such as anxiety can cause anger and an externalisation of mental distress resulting in destructive behaviour and even an involvement with the law. It is a fact that 90% of male prisoners have mental health problems and that this is far higher than the percentage of female prisoners suffering similar issues. We really need to get men to drop this 'macho mask' and in order to do this we need to move on from the ridiculous image of masculinity that we have created during the last two centuries. If we look through history our predecessors held completely different views. In Ancient Greek culture men were expected to cry if their family's honour was at stake and one of the greatest signs of true manliness was to shed tears. In fact, this idea was spread through many cultures and up until the 19th century a man who could cry was considered to be a very strong man, capable of showing his weaknesses and proving that he cared about life. Crying is a very powerful proactive way to counteract the adverse effects of stress, depression and anxiety. Tears contain a natural painkiller called leucine enkephalin and tears that are produced by stress get rid of chemicals that raise cortisol, the stress hormone. A 2008 study at the University of South Florida found that crying can be self soothing and that the shedding of tears can elevate moods better than any antidepressant. We really need to stop just dealing out pharmaceutical remedies and start talking more. As a society we have a responsibility to look at how we enforce and promote such damaging and old fashioned beliefs. Parents should help their sons to grow up able to appropriately and securely show their emotions in times of pain, grief and sadness as well as in times of happiness. It should be taught that it's ok for boys to cry or be vulnerable. Breaking down the stereotypes is the key to dispersing this 'silent epidemic' and significantly reducing the suffering and the suicide rate in men. From time to time remember to ask the men in your life how they are feeling and next time you think about telling someone to 'man up', try to think about the negative message you are unconsciously sending out. We need to make a change in order to save lives. Thank you.
