Well here I am talking about it because I want people to understand why their often thoughtless comments hurt me. People often suggest I go down to my G. P without make up on so the doctor is more likely to understand how ill I feel but I refuse to do so. I don't look depressed, I often don't appear depressed but I really don't think I should have to walk around crying or with a sign around my neck just so people 'can see' what's wrong with me. Just today someone said to me 'you are a beautiful young girl, what on earth do you have to be depressed about?'. It's very very frustrating that in 2014 depression is to some extent still a dirty word and that we cannot look past a persons outer appearance and see that under the often polished surface people can be suffering the worst amount of pain imaginable. Although things are very slightly changing mental illness unfortunately still carries the stigma it always has. For example think about how you would feel if a neighbour saw you walking into a psychiatric hospital. Embarrassed ? Worried? Ashamed? Judged?. These are all the total opposite of how you would feel if you were seen entering a regular hospital. You wouldn't be alone because although I hate to admit it I felt all of those things when I had to visit a psychiatric hospital last October. Somehow it felt very humiliating and almost like I was admitting defeat by asking for help. When I stepped through the door I looked around at other people and wondered what kind of 'crazy' they were. It's awful to admit that because it is an illness in the same way diabetes or epilepsy is, a part of your body is not functioning properly, your brain. If I had the other conditions I probably wouldn't feel ashamed so why did I feel so bothered by what people may think of me? One word; society.
My depression is quite complex. Six years ago my life changed in an instant. Something traumatic happened to me that turned a switch on and gave me Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This gave me depression and high anxiety levels and somewhere along the way I also developed PMDD which is basically very severe Pre Menstrual Tension and is similar to Post Natal Depression in the fact it is related to hormone levels. Basically my body reacts very badly to my own hormones. Of course, for a good year or two I didn't really know what was wrong with me, why I had suddenly developed a constant sense of impending doom but eventually it became evident that the incident had left an invisible scar in my mind and that something was wrong. At first I was unwilling to accept I had depression because I have found in other peoples mind there is a fine line between M.E and depression. It is wrongly believed that M.E is just a different name for depression, a way of disguising it in order to avoid being labelled as depressed. The other misconception Is that M.E is caused by depression and whilst I agree that the affect emotional stress has on your immune system can be a contributory factor in the development of M.E I feel in a lot of cases it is the M.E that causes the depression not the other way around. It is a bit of a chicken and egg situation. I have spent years and years fighting to be taken seriously because even many medical professionals still don't believe in M.E or understand that it is in fact neurological illness. So you can see why I didn't want to be labelled with something that I felt people would attribute all my symptoms to.
I am going to try and describe how my depression feels but I have to state that everyone's experiences of the illness are different. Try to remember that I have depression caused by PMDD and PTSD and that even though I have suffered with anxiety since the school bullying, it is also a symptom of these conditions and therefore has worsened due to them . Depression and anxiety for me are very much entwined with one another so when I describe my feelings I am describing them both. One thing I find it hard to deal with is the numbness I experience because when it appears it comes without warning and it takes away all other feelings. Positive feelings such as love and lust all disappear and are replaced by a lonely, empty hollowness and guilt. I can be in a crowd full of people and feel so desperately alone it's frightening, When someone I care about promises to try and 'cheer' me up I feel bad that no matter what they do they can't pull me out of the despair. I feel like I have to smile and act like it has worked when on occasions it can make me feel worse because I want more than anything for them to be able to lift me out of the hole. I honestly think that on these days I could win the lottery and I wouldn't feel the joy. It's really scary to feel this way. On the dats when the depression is bad I constantly feel like something really bad is going to happen. I have butterflies in my stomach and a creeping sensation in my body and it feels like i am standing under a dark cloud. I feel frightened that I will feel like this forever and I feel concerned that I could do something stupid to get rid of it despite knowing deep down that I probably wouldn't. I have also felt like I am going to totally and utterly lose my mind and that nobody will ever be able to help me find it again.That particular symptom I believe was caused by the fact the ambulance didn't come on time when I nearly bled to death. I feel like I am walking around with my eyes closed, everything is dark and it's like I am trying to walk through quick sand. This is just a brief description of how I feel because I wanted to give you am insight but talking about it in depth is still hard for me.
I would like to say plain and simply that depression is an illness, it is a not a choice. I do not choose to think negatively, I do not choose to feel anxious, I do not choose to feel depressed. Curing it is not a matter of thinking positively or 'finding something else to occupy your mind' and it is about time people realised that. I am sick (literally) of people telling me to find a distraction or saying that I have it because I have nothing else to focus on and have too much free time to over think stuff. I must be a strong person to have gt through all the things that have happened to me so I believe me if I could just think this condition away I would. I was desperate to avoid taking medication because I react very badly to many substances and I get lots of side effects from medicines. There was also an incredibly justified concern that I could get the very reaction happen to me that started off the PTSD in the first place as with all anti depressants it is a potential yet rare side effect. A consultant once told me to 'avoid all anti depressants and anti anxiety medications' because of the danger and it put the fear of God into me. I remember taking a tiny dose of Nortriptaline about five years ago and feeling suicidal so I was also worried that would happen to me again. I kept dodging it. I would get very low and set my mind in the fact that I needed help but when it came to the crunch I just didn't have the guts to take anything. I kept avoiding it, I kept saying 'let's give it another four months and if I am still like this I will have to take something' but then the day would come and of course I would say the same thing.I have fought other stuff and this is a constant battle that I can't win so easily. I am now taking Duloxetine and I have been since Christmas. It is a medication that is also used to treat neuropathic pain disorders and therefore it had been recommended to me many times at the pain clinic but because of the aforementioned risks I had never been brave enough to try it. That was until last September when my physical and mental health took a massive spiral downwards. I split up from my boyfriend and he was continuing to play with my emotions, seemingly oblivious to the effect it was having on me (despite it having to be spelt out to him by my Mum) and I was supposed to be having surgery on my nasal turbinates to help me breathe properly. However, I got a massive viral infection and my surgery was cancelled on the day because I was deemed too poorly. I then developed a very scary ear condition with symptoms so bizarre and so frightening that for a few months nobody believed them. In fact, one consultant convinced me I had finally 'lost the plot' and I spent weeks having one panic attack after the other, at one point screaming with fear in the middle of the night. I used a massive chunk of my savings and saw various specialists and it was a relief to hear that the scary symptoms such as hearing my own eyes move were rare yet known about symptoms. I was sent for lots of various tests on my ears and skull which went on for months and I got to the point where I knew I had to try medication because I was so low and frightened by my symptoms I felt like giving up.
It's now been eight months and I am on the lowest possible dosage of Duloxetine. Although it has taken the edge off the depression it has given me a few side effects and I am still pretty frightened by my ear symptoms. The medication gives me the most horrendous nightmares I have ever experienced. When I close my eyes at night I feel more alive than when I am awake because the dreams are so animated and so vivid. I dream that I am being chased or attacked or that I am trapped in some way. However it has taken the edge off of the depression and I am glad that I finally took the plunge and tried it. I have good days and I have bad days but I know now that medication is right for some people and that taking it does not mean that you are weak or that you have failed to change yourself. It is widely believed that depression is caused by an imbalance of serotonin in the brain yet there is currently no way of measuring the levels of this chemical in the brain of a living human being. SSRI and SNRI anti depressants work on serotonin levels so that could be why they are believed to work on lifting depression in some individuals.I have just been advised to double up my dosage to see if it stops the nightmares but I am reluctant and waiting until I find the strength to do this without panicking. Medication does have it's place but it is important that you try other therapies such as cognitive behaviour therapy, counselling and exercise. I have tried all of the therapies except increasing my exercise because unfortunately my M.E means I cannot do much in the way of exercise. This is frustrating because I was a very active child and I was known for being full of energy and unable to sit still. The lack of exercise also has an effect of my self esteem because due to digestive problems I can barely eat any fruit of vegetables which means my diet isn't the best and I feel concerned about how to keep trim. Looking after my figure and taking care of my appearance is something that is very important to me. Some people with depression stop caring about what they look like but to me looking my best has never meant more to me than it does now
I don't want this whole blog entry to be negative so I am going to tell you the other ways in which I cope with it. Well, I am a pretty creative person and I think in a way my depression has made me even more so. I find art is my escapism. I draw, I paint (with a mask on because I am intolerant to any paint fumes even the ones that you can't smell), I transform second hand bric a brac, I make jewellery, I write. I also have found that the depression has made me embrace my individuality. I love to experiment with clothes, make up, hair and I often dress brightly to paint some vibrancy into my life. I hate to fade into the background and to conform to normality or blandness. Music also helps to heal my soul whether it makes me cry, smile or just feel connected to something I listen to it every day. I used to sing but I struggle these days with my painful vocal cords to do songs any justice so I have to sing only on rare occasions which makes me sad as I love singing. People say that creative people are more susceptible to mood disorders but of course this is something that hasn't really been proven and it could possibly be that depression just brings out the creativity of people as they try to express themselves. However from poets to composers, actors to presidents, many of the great artists past and present have suffered with various mental health problems. In the past Charles Dickens, Beethoven, Van Gogh, Abraham Lincoln, Robert Schumann, Michelangelo, Mark Twain, Virginia Woolf and Mozart all had battles with mood disorders. In the present day, Stephen Fry, Fern Britton, Will Young, Ruby Wax, Jon Bon Jovi, Jim Carrey, Amanda Seyfried, Frankie Sandford, Britney Spears and the late great Robin Williams have been or are sufferers.This is just a small collection of names, there are hundreds more. Many of these amazingly talented people are gregarious individuals who are known for their humour and smily dispositions yet behind the facade lurks their dark feelings. Like me they have become experts at disguising their problems. It just shows that all the money, all the fame in the world does not buy you happiness and that depression does not occur because you have nothing else to focus your mind on.
I am also very lucky to have such supportive loving parents who keep me going. Don't get me wrong it can be incredibly hard for them and we have our ups and downs but no matter what they have always been there for me. Another thing depression will certainly do is reveal who your true friends are because only the tough will survive! I have luckily found a few amazing friends and although even they admit to sometimes finding it hard to comprehend how I feel they always do their best to try. They support me and are the for me no matter what and in return I do the same for them. I have also lost a few 'friends' who couldn't cope with even hearing medical stuff.Two of these girls took me off their Facebook friend list without telling me and when I questioned why they informed me that they were 'fed up with reading negative things online'. At first I was totally disgusted by their lack of compassion but then I felt sorry for them because although it would be nice to view life through rose tinted spectacles it is unrealistic to only want positive things in your life and to bury your head in the sand and pretend that illness and pain doesn't exist. One of these girls once told me to come out more often because is shouldn't 'waste my youth' as I would 'regret it in the future' so it wasn't a shock when they treated me with such contempt it was just disappointing that they confirmed my suspicions. If anything depression acts as a filter sieving out the good relationships from the bad.
Anyway, I do hope that by writing about my own experience I have helped you to understand how it feels. I hope that by writing this I inspire other people to speak out more instead of feeling silenced by shame or lack of understanding. If more people talk about it we can eventually lift the stigma attached to it and get people to accept that it is an illness not a personality flaw or a choice. I am currently planning to come up with a photographic idea to highlight invisible illnesses like depression that I would like to try and circulate and spread through social media. If you have any ideas on how I can get this to go viral please add comments.
Much Love
X
