Those who know me will immediately question why I am about to compare aspects of myself to Katie Price because in many ways we are inherently different. Say the name Katie Price and the image that springs to mind is a huge breasted glamour model with orange skin, fake hair and surgically enhanced features. You either love her or hate her, there is no inbetween. I have had four boyfriends and I chose to stay a virgin until I was twenty five whereas Katie has been married three times and has five children by three different men. I am not saying that is a bad thing, I am merely pointing out the differences between us. Miss Price is known as someone who fires off expletive laden tweets on Twitter and warns people not to 'mess with the Pricey' so when she entered the Celebrity Big Brother house last year and met her nemesis Katie Hopkins people were expecting fireworks. However, when the public was confronted with the quiet Kate who gets so nervous she hyperventilates and her body trembles, they were confused. Underneath the Jaffa orange tan and three pairs of false eyelashes lies a very different Kate. She was labelled as 'boring' and despite winning the show people complained that she hadn't done enough to warrant receiving her fee for entering the house. People even questioned whether she was being nice in order to boost her fledging popularity with the public and to reinvent herself. Maybe if people had dropped their negativity they would have realised that Katie was just being herself, she wasn't being Jordan. Katie's alter ego Jordan was a character she created in order to get her fame. In my previous blogs I have briefly touched upon the fact that I am someone who had to create an identity to hide behind. Most people do this to some extent but it is far more common in people who have suffered some form of bullying and or identity crisis. I use mine as a protection because it was formed specifically for this. Katie has often said that behind Jordan lies a quieter slightly insecure girl.
One thing Katie didn't disappoint fans with is her discussions of a sexual nature, discussing in detail her sexual exploits with ex husband and cross dresser Alex Reid. Some people were mortified at her revelations on national TV and questioned why she would do it but Katie has always been an open book when it comes to her sexuality. It's lewd, crude and incredibly personal but it's honest. Personally I think that she uses her sexual innuendoes and gossip as a defence mechanism. I think that because I do it myself. People use defence mechanisms as a way to distance themselves from full awareness of upsetting thoughts, feelings or behaviours. It's a kind of distraction technique and a way of protecting yourself from emotionally connecting with things and it's usually used unconsciously (the person doesn't always know that they are doing it). Dissociation is one of the more commonly recognised defense mechanisms. This is where someone finds another representative of their self in order to continue in the moment. An example of this is the class clown who takes on the comedian role to hide his insecurities or to divert attention away from his . People who have a history of childhood abuse often use this kind of defense mechanism. Katie Price has admitted that she suffered sexual abuse when she was young and she herself even questioned whether that was why she went down the career path she did. She felt that in becoming 'Jordan' she could exploit her sexy side and make money by portraying a more hyped up version of herself and fair play to her for that. She has amassed a fortune by playing a character and because of that she has provided her children with financial security for life. Jordan was also a mask that she could hide behind. My close friends know me as someone flirtatious with a naughty humour who likes to hear about their sexual exploits and who loves to fill conversations with innuendoes. This doesn't mean that I am promiscuous, it just means that I find the subject intriguing.
When I was in the sixth form I had an experience that made me question the way I dressed and my whole demeanour. I was seventeen and I was innocent. My naughty humour and my sexual innuendoes may have led people to think otherwise, but I was pretty naive back then. I loved to dress for attention but it was never about getting boys to fancy me it was more about showing the girl bullies that they no longer controlled me. He was handsome yet arrogant, popular yet lacking substance. He was in the Sixth Form yet his mind frame was stuck in year 11 because he didn't really want to learn or take things seriously. He was well known to the teachers as someone who would mess about and get shouted at because despite choosing to stay on for his A levels, it was clear he didn't want to be there. I already had a fear of men/boys because in Years 10 and 11 I had previously experienced what my counsellor suggested was sexual abuse but I still feel was just inappropriate behaviour. This guy tripled that fear the day he intimidated me in a very sexual way. We were nearing our exams. I remember the early Summer day because of the heat from the sun as it glared through the large full length Windows in the drama studio. I was wearing my white stone washed denim jeans and a tight fitting vest top yet I was so hot my make up had begun to slide off my face. There was a disabled toilet at the bottom of the staircase that led to our Drama room. The girls often used it to get changed. Today I was using the mirror in there to put my make up back on. I had left the door open. I saw him walk past then suddenly he was in there with me, sliding the door and locking it behind him. I felt the butterflies take flight in my stomach, I felt unsafe, knowing that this was inappropriate. His face was deadly serious but I couldn't read it. I'm normally very good at reading body language. I felt his eyes on me and it freaked me out being trapped in this small space with him. He made some comment out how sexy my body was and I ignored it. His hand moved to the flies on his jeans, beginning to unzip them and suddenly I could hear my heart beating in my chest. 'What are you doing?' I managed to ask, diverting my eyes quickly and meeting your intense ones with a panic. 'Don't you want to see it?' He asked with a smile on his face. So brazen, so bizarre yet so intimidating. He began to move towards me, unzipping as he got closer. He was blocking my exit. I remember many different scenarios flashing before my eyes. I don't know how I packed my make up away and pushed past him to escape but thankfully I did. I ran up the stairs as fast as my legs would carry me and rejoined the class with my head spinning and my face burning red. I didn't say anything, I felt like such a fool, wondering if I had done anything to encourage him. There was one teacher I really trusted but I was too embarrassed to tell her. I remember knocking on her classroom door and saying something random about needing help with exam timetables because I couldn't get the words out. Sure, I could joke about sexual things but at that point in my life I couldn't talk seriously about them. I was worried about what people would say and I felt stupid. In fact I didn't tell anyone about this guy until years later when I confided in a male friend who had been friends with him at school. Apparently he had told him a completely fabricated version of the story that involved me performing a sex act on him. I was furious but it was too late to change history now. To this day I still feel a slight unease around men, particularly in certain situations and it has certainly added to my lack of trust in them. Previous to that day I had barely spoken to that guy so I often wondered whether my tight clothing had led him to assume I was promiscuous because of the prejudices towards women and their sexuality. Now I know different. No women should be made to feel that she can't wear what she wants to for fear of being judged or attacked.
It is true that how a woman chooses to dress unfairly leads to conclusions being made about her character, her willingness to have sex, her vulnerability etc but it doesn't make someone rape or take advantage of her. Women should not be slaves to unjust perceptions or frightened by the opposite sex. Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, man or woman, gay or straight. It doesn't matter if you are a virgin or even like Katie, a glamour model. Forced and unwanted sexual activity is assault full stop. It is simply a myth that provocative clothing or flirting invites sexual assault. A girl wearing a short skirt is not asking for a man to put his hand up it, a topless woman on a beach or posing for a magazine shoot is not asking to be groped simply because her breasts are exposed. A man may feel sexually attracted to a woman because of her appearance but sexual arousal does not lead to sexual violence. Not all men are dangerous to women because they 'can't help themselves'. If looking at an attractive woman made men think 'I must rape her' then all men would be rapists. Rape is a terrifying, humiliating act of violence not sex and a rapist is someone who wants to dominate, violate and control a woman. A rapist is not a horny man who has taken a look at a woman's outfit and been convinced that she wanted sex. Statistically you are more likely to be raped by someone you know. Only 10% of rapes are committed by 'strangers' (info provide by rapecrisis.org) and one in five women are raped by their partners or husbands. Provocative clothing does not incite rape or sexual abuse. It is simply a form of victim blaming. A rapist will try to do or say anything to discredit the person that they attacked because he needs to justify the act in his own head instead of accepting that he is a criminal. Blame should never be placed onto victims because many of them already suffer from the shame, flashbacks and unjustified guilt that may be associated with 'rape trauma syndrome'. There is not other crime where the victim is analysed so cruelly in order to try and shift blame.
I have always been judged by my appearance and people tend to make very quick first judgements of me. If you have read my other blog entries you will know that at school I was called a 'tart' or 'slag' purely based on my apperance. It not ok that it happened in 1998 and it is still not ok for it to be happening now, either years later. Just recently a lady that I work with was astounded when I told her that when I was 12 I had one of the highest IQ's in my class. In fact, it took a while to convince her that I wasn't lying. I feel a constant need to prove to people that I am not some dumbass. I can be ditzy, unorganised (every single school report said 'unorganised and talks too much instead of listening'...no change there then) but that doesn't mean that I am lacking in intelligence. We must stop judging people on the way they look because it can have serious consequences. I for one will dress how I like for the rest of my life. I can't stop people having negative opinions of me but I can change the way I deal with that.
